On Cheney: This Stuff's Comedy Gold!

In his book, How to Be Funny, Steve Allen wrote an equation:

Tragedy + Time = Comedy.

But you don't hear a lot of jokes about 9/11. Same with Columbine and Hurricane Katrina. Decent people refrain from making tasteless jokes in the face of horrible suffering.

But who's talking about decent people? I've got a theorem:

A sense of humor is often inversely proportional to a sense of decency.

I hope my theorem is wrong. Anyway, please allow me to apologize to the White House and all its occupants, to hunters, and to Bush supporters everywhere. But I'm sorry:

You just can't go around shooting people!!

To me, this is the funniest thing that's happened in years. I'm sorry. It just is. (Dear God, bless Mr. Whittington and don't let his health suffer further.)

That said, how can you not laugh at this? It is the most unbelievable, outrageous bungle since the Clintons moved out. (The material below was stolen from ABC.)

As you read, try to hum Aerosmith's latest: "Cheney's Got a Gun."

from Vice President Shoots Man, Hilarity Ensues

By JONANN BRADY

Feb. 14, 2006 — - W.W.J.S.D.?

This is the question the nation asks when a story of great political magnitude breaks, such as when our vice president accidentally shoots a 78-year-old lawyer in the face while quail hunting. It's not "What Would Jesus Do?" but "What Will Jon Stewart Do?"

Harry Whittington's injuries are certainly no laughing matter. The Texas lawyer was "peppered" with pellets in his cheek, neck and chest when Cheney fired his shotgun, but by all accounts, he's recovering nicely. * So comedians on the Internet and on late-night television are mining this political comedy gold.

Dan Kurtzman, the editor of About.com's political humor Web site, says this is the funniest thing to come out of the Bush administration since the president choked on a pretzel. [What do you mean? This is way funnier.]

"It has all the key ingredients for a great comic set-up: A gun-wielding, warmongering vice president who embodies the motto 'shoot first, ask questions later,' a bizarre case of mistaken identity, a dubious official narrative, and a lawyer riddled with birdshot. You can't make this stuff up," Kurtzman said.

Here Come the Lawyer Jokes

A few bloggers played on Cheney's well-documented disdain of trial lawyers.

Political Cortex's headline was "Cheney Accidentally Bags Lawyer Out Of Season," while Wonkette said, "Dick Cheney Finally Takes a Stand Against Trial Lawyers."

Jay Leno also pulled out a lawyer joke in his monologue Monday night: "Over the weekend, on a quail hunting trip, Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. When people found out he shot a lawyer, his job approval rating rose to 92 percent."

And Jim Brady, the former Ronald Reagan aide-turned-anti-gun-advocate quipped: "Now I understand why Dick Cheney keeps asking me to go hunting with him."

But We're at War

Web satirists had fun with Cheney's own (fake) spin on the shooting, and a few reminded the American people that the rules were different during wartime.

Jerry and Joe Long imagined this statement from the veep on huffingtonpost.com: "Since the days of Aaron Burr, under our constitution, the vice president has the implied authority to shoot whomever the hell he pleases. … In a time of war, it would be inappropriate to comment further on how and under what circumstances a 78-year-old man underwent a minor pellet infusion."

"I believed I had credible intelligence that al-Zawahiri had infiltrated my hunting party in disguise with the intent of spraying me with pellets," Mr. Cheney told reporters. "Only after I shot Harry in the face and he shouted 'Cheney, you bastard' did I realize that this intelligence was faulty."

A Man Unafraid of Guns, F-Bombs

But what does it all mean for the vice president's reputation? Cheney always had the air of the renegade about him -- frequently scowling, often disappearing to "undisclosed locations," and not afraid to drop the F-bomb right on the Senate floor.

Does this shooting make Cheney even cooler?

The Wonkette bloggers think so. Yesterday, they said on the Web site: "Dick Cheney is a badass, and we love him. He's like America's abusive father -- we're terrified of him, we hide under our beds when we smell whiskey on his breath, but we crave his attention."

I also stole these jokes from ABC. (Don't you love blogging?)

from Late Show with David Letterman, CBS:

"But here is the sad part before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor."

"We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."

from "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," NBC:

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'"

"Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!"

from "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Comedy Central:

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt … making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, was shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

*Okay, we know the victim suffered a heart attack. Not funny. Not comedy gold. Should he shuffle off this mortal coil, I'll delete this post with apologies to the grieving. But he's not the point. Cheney did the shooting. BTW, I'm sure Cheney's genuinely upset. All kidding aside, you don't shoot a man, by mistake, especially as a seasoned hunter, and not feel horribly. Given his health, I'm surprised Cheney hasn't had another heart attack. That would probably help his poll numbers at this point. And y'all know I want only the best for the Bush Administration. But this is a case where you just have to be able to laugh at yourselves. Oh, and no, I don't believe it was Cheney's fault. And I fully endorse legal hunting (get the proper stamps, too). And, yes, the rifle in the photo above is so completely unlike the shotgun he used Saturday, as to be incomparable. But accuracy doesn't matter when you're talking about comedy gold! (Or when dove hunting, for that matter. Isn't that the point of a scattergun, anyway?)

Now, I'm just looking forward to those Sunday editorial cartoons.... Poor Cheney.